Hello Boss Babes!
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend spent with family, friends & laughter. Today I want to talk about the topic of miscarriage and infertility. This is something I feel strongly about as far as making it a more talked about topic of discussion and not in making a woman feel less than worthy type of way. I remember when I was going through my miscarriage how I felt so alone because it felt like no one knew what I was feeling. The topic of infertility and miscarriage has long been a taboo subject. It makes women feel lonely and shameful because of this. It take to make infertility and miscarriage a topic of discussion and remove the stigma. It’s not the 1900’s, it’s 2021 for goodness sake! You are a warrior after a miscarriage or suffer from infertility problems. Not that a women isn’t who has never experienced these struggles, just it is exhausting on levels that I can’t explain to navigate through experiences such as miscarriage or infertility and still battle through with a smile on your face like nothing is wrong because you feel like you can’t talk about your experiences or journey. However, any woman who can act like nothing is going on in their life even though the world is crumbling around them is considered a warrior in my book.
What Is Miscarriage or Infertility?
When a women has a miscarriage it means that the baby has been lost between 5-20 weeks of pregnancy. A baby lost before 5 weeks is considered a chemical pregnancy and after 20 weeks is a stillbirth.
Infertility is when you are unable to conceive within 6 months for couples 35+ years old or for people younger than 35 who are unable to conceive within a year. There are various reasons as to why you couldn’t be conceiving but unless you get medical testing done or see a fertility doctor you may not conceive. There is also something called secondary infertility which is when a person who has previously been pregnant or gave birth but is having issues becoming pregnant again. Just because you have a diagnosis does not always mean you can't have children it just means you will most likely need medical intervention to get pregnant.
Miscarriage & Infertility
When you’re growing up you think that getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world. I mean yeah you heard about people struggling on the rare occasion, or you see people who are pregnant with multiples only to find out it is because they had to go through fertility treatment which makes you high risk for multiples. Once internet and reality tv became more popular it was seen more but not alot. Naively you wonder did they go through all of that because they wanted that many children, I mean crazy right!? Never in a million years do you think you will be affected by anything fertility related. I wish it was something that was talked about more because it’s something that is a lot more common than one may think. I know I was surprised when I started to realize that a lot of people's fertility is a topic of discussion… and not in the best of ways. And did you know that you can be perfectly healthy and still suffer from infertility or miscarriage? Also, just because your mom, sister, aunt, grandma or any other female person in your family had healthy full term pregnancies doesn’t mean you will and vice versa. It’s a sad truth but if you are aware of everything I feel like you are better prepared for the worst outcome. It doesn’t catch you as much off guard because you know it can happen. Some may think that isn’t the best thing because it can cause unnecessary anxiety and that’s perfectly fine that’s your opinion, but for me it helps me to better prepare for whatever outcome and there are other women that are just like me in that.
Miscarriage & Infertility Statistics
-Did you know that 1 in 4 women will suffer from a miscarriage? They say it may even be more than 1 in 4 but a lot of women either suffer in silence due to shame and embarassment or because the didn't know they were pregnant to begin with.
-Of know pregnancies 10-20% will end in miscarriage.
-11% of women suffer from fertility issues.
-9% of males suffer from fertility issues.
-`10% of couples will go on to have secondary infertility.
However, just because you are suffering from infertility doesn’t mean you will have a miscarriage when you get pregnant or if you do have a miscarriage doesn’t mean you will go on to have secondary infertility.
Navigating After a Miscarriage
You feel alone, broken and you aren’t sure how to navigate through the next steps. You go to
the doctor afraid of what you’re about to be told. The words “I’m sorry but you are suffering from a miscarriage” is something that will never erase from my brain. They say it is so cold and unempathetic, but I guess that’s their job, is to detach and be emotionless, so can I really be upset that they are just doing their job? No, I can’t but I can be mad that I am having to go through a miscarriage because it’s so unfair. So unfair that life's greatest blessing is being ripped away from me and there isn’t a single thing in the entire world that I can do about it. It’s such a helpless feeling… To know you are losing your baby and not be able to do anything about it. I will forever have a piece of my heart missing… It has been 3 years almost and I don’t think I will ever feel any less sad about my miscarriage, some days are worse that others but I learned how to live with the loss and work through my feelings on days like that. I have a wonderful husband who is there when I am having my blue days.
It is so important to talk about your feelings and to not compartmentalize everything so that you can work through some of those initial feelings of hurt because your feelings are valid. And don’t let anyone tell you that they aren’t! You are your biggest advocate. If you’re feeling a certain way make sure you’re letting someone know. It’s so easy to get into a deep depression during a time such as miscarriage or infertility. I know at first it was hard for me to open up because it was hard to not cry but talk through the tears. The person you’re talking to may not completely understand what you’re saying at first but you will walk away feeling so much better and also talking through it will make it easier to not cry or be upset. Just remember grief doesn’t have a time limit.
You can find support groups in your local area or online, talk to a medical professional, family or friends. Anyone who you can open up to and feel comfortable with! And speaking of comfort, it is so important to feel comfortable because if you don’t you won’t fully open up.
Heaven Gains - Miscarriage & Child Loss Services - All Services Are Free
Through the Heart - Pregnancy Loss - Free (if anything gets shipped however their will be a $6 shipping fee)
National Share - Pregnancy & Infant Loss - Free with Membership Options
Resolve - Infertility Support Groups - Support & Resources for Fertility Treatment Costs
Time to Make Miscarriage & Infertility a Topic of Discussion
I remember laying in the hospital bed listening to the sound of the blood pressure machine staring off into space out the door thinking to myself, “Why me? This never happens to anyone, why me?”. The doctor had just walked out the room after he muttered the words, “I’m sorry but you had a miscarriage”. I knew what was happening but I didn’t want to hear it. I felt alone and worthless. Thinking back it makes me angry because I felt alone for nothing. There are so many women that go through this. They send you home expecting you to know how to navigate through all of the motions that are about to come. They don’t tell you that this is something that just happens, sometimes there is no reason other than it just wasn’t meant to be. It just happened. They could have done the very least of telling me that.
Miscarriage isn’t talked about. Like ever. Before I had a miscarriage I can count on a single hand how many times I heard the topic brought up. Why is it such a taboo subject? This isn’t the 1900’s where it was “unlady like” to talk about topics like that. It’s 2021 for goodness sake! It’s time to make it a topic of discussion. It’s time to make women not feel alone when they are going through a miscarriage. In a time like that you need support more than anything. It might take a minute for you to realize that but when you connect with women who have gone through the same exact thing it does make you feel better. Not in the fact that you are glad you aren’t the only one in a negative aspect but in the fact that someone knows how you feel in the moment that you are at. No one else in the entire world does. No man, no doctor who has never experienced a miscarraige or infertility, no one. It’s okay to cry and be vulnerable but you need someone to tell you that when you’re going through an experience like miscarriage or infertility.
How I Will Make Miscarriage & Infertility a Topic of Discussion
One of the reasons why I started “Inspired with Life” is because I am in the middle of my 3 year battle with secondary infertility after having a miscarriage in 2018. I don’t want to make it my main topic as I want to talk about lots of different things but I definitely do want to bring attention to the topic! It is so important to do so and make sure that other women don’t feel what I felt at the beginning when I found out I was having a miscarriage. I will talk about all things infertility and miscarriage! Stay tuned for more blog posts covering the infertility and miscarriage topic of discussion! And if you are in need of someone needing someone to connect with for support please contact me, or use the resources that I put above in the “Navigating After Miscarriage” section.
B.G. | Inspired with Life